First of all, before we get started on the journey I am about to take you on, I want to thank my partners Joss & Main. This wasn’t just any old collaboration for me. This was therapeutic - something I needed to do to heal my brokenness. I needed a fresh start and it wouldn’t have been capable without the partnership I have with Joss & Main. So thank you JM.
This is a post I never thought I’d write. It’s been a difficult year. The hardest year of my life. But with all honesty, I can say that there is a glimmer of light that has flickered in my heart lately. A sign of hope. Hope that this is just a season - not a life sentence. Hope that God’s love will sustain me. Hope that there is new life ahead.
I want to share my story not to hurt any of the people involved or to get back at anyone. It’s simply not like that. I want to share my story because I know I am not the first person to experience this. I certainly won’t be the last and I have been impressed to share it to help others struggling through it. The quote, “You have been given this mountain to show others it can be moved” has been on my heart every day since back when it all started and I believe I should take that sign seriously.
My whole world came to a screeching halt in March of this year. I experience a death - not in the literal sense but my heart stopped beating the way it once did, my spirit died, and my life (the life that I knew) ended. I discovered that my “happy” marriage wasn’t at all what I thought it was. The life that I had anchored my identity to was a mirage. Nothing was real. I had been deeply betrayed time and time again. The ground beneath me sunk in and I went down with it.
Nothing prepares you for this discovery. It suddenly feels like you are watching your life being played out on a screen. You can be a fierce, strong woman but when this revelation hits you, you will not recognize the woman staring back at you in the mirror. She’s not there anymore. I lost so much. Weeks and weeks went by and I couldn't leave my bed. I couldn’t stop crying and waking up each morning seemed like the most disparaging task. There were many nights I prayed God would just take me - I wanted my pain to end. I knew I needed help and eventually got myself into therapy.
Therapy has forced me to care for me. To not live in constant war with myself. To work on my healing. Finding ways to grieve and heal hasn’t been easy. When you are a mother who wants to protect your children from your pain, it’s not easy finding time to take care of yourself. Therapy has helped me to focus on waking my spirit back up and listen to her with great empathy. I have come a long way. I am no longer having PTSD symptoms and I am not easily triggered these days. I am listening to my needs more and honoring my heart. I am trusting that God doesn’t see this as the end of my story but has brought me here to grow and learn from it. I have always struggled with forgiveness and I am opening my heart to learn how because I know without it, the betrayal will eat me alive.
Part of my healing journey has been saying goodbye to the old and accepting change. The first change I made was my appearance. I chopped off my hair and dyed it blonde. It was freeing to see the old me on the ground getting swept away - never to be seen again. There is something about a new haircut that just makes a woman feel free.
The next thing was my room. I needed a space I felt safe in. A space I could lock myself in and retreat to where the worries of my day could wash away. I needed a space that was for me and me alone. Because my home really hadn’t felt like “home” since all this happened, I wanted a room that felt like a getaway - a hotel room in a faraway city perhaps. A metaphorical escape.
My therapist laughed out loud when I told her I ordered a pink velvet bed. It’s definitely a statement. But if there is any time in a woman’s life to make a statement like this one - now is the time.
I carefully selected pieces with Joss & Main that made this space feel feminine again. Soft. Pretty. And above all, peaceful. The dark and moody vibes are a new avenue I’m walking down and I’m not mad about it.
This dressing corner is one of my favorite areas of the room. Is there anything more feminine than this gorgeous gold leaf print?
This space has helped me heal in a lot of ways. I can come here when I am feeling overwhelmed or sad and use this space to pray, meditate, and ground myself again. It will come with me when we move and it will be a reminder to do the things in life that simply make you happy. Like getting a pink bed. Going on that solo vacation. Opening yourself up to new adventures.
There are endless details to my story that I haven’t shared. Priceless lessons I have learned. And tons of growth still to make. I will continue to grieve this but also learn how to let it go. They say betrayal is like losing a limb. You will survive it but you will forever miss that part of you. The wound goes away but the scar stays forever. The old me is gone. I feel fortunate that I am just 32 and still have a long life ahead of me to discover this new me. I do not know what the future holds and that is one of the scariest parts of all this. I know that we all have our crosses to bear. We all have our stories. I have been so inspired and encouraged by others who have been brave enough to talk about their struggles. It’s a reminder that life goes on. One path ends but lots of new trails open up - for better or worse.
I want to leave you with some quotes that have helped me on this journey these past several months - maybe one of them is just what you needed today, too.